“How we learned to love didn’t come with instructions—but it did leave patterns.”

Attachment is how we learned to do closeness, safety, and connection. None of us got a manual  on love. We picked it up through our earliest relationships, usually with parents or caregivers, and those experiences quietly shaped our attachment styles.

If your caregivers were emotionally available and responsive, you likely learned that relationships are a safe place to land. As an adult, this can look like trusting your partner, communicating your needs, and believing love doesn’t disappear after a disagreement.

If love felt inconsistent growing up warm one moment, distant the next, you might feel anxious in your relationship patterns now. This can show up as overthinking texts, needing reassurance, or feeling panicked when someone pulls back.

For those raised in abusive or chaotic environments, attachment can become disorganized, a painful mix of wanting closeness while simultaneously pushing it away. This often looks like craving deep connection but sabotaging relationships once intimacy feels too real or unsafe

If closeness didn’t feel safe or reliable, you may have developed a more avoidant attachment style. As an adult, this can look like keeping emotional distance, feeling uncomfortable with vulnerability, or losing interest when a relationship starts getting serious.

Here is the hopeful part, even though attachment styles start early, they are not permanent. These patterns developed as ways to cope and survive, but they do not have to stay the same. 

If you notice the same relationship struggles repeating, therapy and counselling can help. Working with a therapist who understands attachment can help your cycles, build emotional awareness, and begin unlearning patterns that no longer serve you. 

You are not broken. You are patterned, and patterns can be changed.

- Lianne Nottingham